It's been some time since I have put down my thoughts in my blog. I tend to not think about writing when things are going well. I wanted to write today because as you may have guessed it is a rough day today. I have been working with my sponsor doing a 30 in 30 but it has taken me longer than one per day to complete the assignments but I have felt such a great love from our Savior as I work these assignments, prayerfully and thoughtfully. I have gone through some rough personal times emotionally as of late. I have come to terms that I, in fact not only have a sexual/pornography addiction but also a food addiction. This has been hard for me to come to terms with because I just want to believe that I am overweight because I don't work out like I used to, that I've had 3 babies and man that weight is hard to lose. But today as I scarfed down a lunch that was easily my caloric intake for the day it really hit me. I am feeling alone, sad, angry and sick...here I am eating!! I need help with this. I have no idea where to start other than letting the Lord know that this in fact is one more thing out of my control. I think I have always glossed over this addiction because the sexual addiction was far worse and the pains were far more reaching than the food addiction. But this is painful too. It hurts for me to exercise because of my weight, I don't like how I look, or feel. I don't have tons of money to spend on some miracle diet or personal fitness coach and this is so discouraging. I don't really know where to go.

I have discovered how I am still clinging onto co-dependency issues with my one friend. I know she is a good person but I don't feel great around her. I still interact with her about twice per month because of work that I do. It is unavoidable. I recently thought I really needed to quit that work but after 2 months of another job and so much depression and anxiety surrounding that I needed to go back to my direct sales job. Last night we did a training and I felt that I went out of my way to help and do what I could. I did not receive so much as a thank you or even a good bye when I left. This was so hard for me. It hurt. I shouldn't have let it but it did. The one thing she said to me negatively weeks ago is still sounding in my ears every single day. I am hurt, frustrated and sad. I know this is one thing I will have to totally trust the Lord on.

I am grateful I have some avenues to reach out when I am down but this is pretty miserable. On Sunday I went to church and felt the spirit really strong during a particular talk in sacrament meeting. I then had this huge weight of my sins heaped upon me on Sunday night. It all just hit me so hard. I know exactly what Alma the younger was talking about when he was harrowed up in his sins. I just hope that I will be able to feel "that joy as exquisite as my pain" soon. All of this has left me so exhausted but I do have one silver lining....I must be doing what is right because Satan is working on me over-time. He never sleeps or rests and man do I feel it right now. I am exhausted. I know I cannot let him win, it would set me back too far. I just keep hoping and praying to weather out this storm and have the happiness come back again soon.

Today I am full of gratitude. I have had the opportunity to spend some quality time with my little family over the last week. I am just so grateful that I have them. I certainly have not felt worthy of them at many times in my life. I am grateful for a husband who understands the atonement and who has been given the gift of forgiveness. I know that my life would be a loss without him. I am so grateful that the Lord has trusted me enough to be the mother of three amazing boys. I have no doubts that I am meant to be their mother. I think of the good that I can do in the world by raising these boys right and unto the Lord. I am so grateful for the prophet and his apostles. I am grateful for the talks and blessings I have received over the weekend by listening to their words. I am grateful that God, in His wisdom, set up the amazing 12 step recovery program, that we may be healed! I am grateful to my sponsor, for her love and her inspiration as she has helped me through rough times and who also is helping me do a 30 in 30. I have been blessed to see things differently than I had before by doing this. I feel greater progress in this than in just trying on my own, of course we know we can't do it alone. Most of all I am grateful for the Atonement. I only pray that I can understand it and accept it more fully. I can't even begin to claim that I understand it all but I am so grateful for it. I have a testimony of the Atonement. I know it was for you, for me and all mankind. I imagine my Savior praying for me in the garden and am filled with awe that I cannot even begin to express.
I am grateful that I have been given these feelings of so much gratitude over the last few days. I pray for this to stay with me as I progress. I am grateful also for all of you, who blog, who may fail but still fight, who listen, who comment (or not) and for your strength in fighting our battles together. God bless you.