The last couple of days have been hard, okay let's be honest they have down right sucked. I have been finding myself lamenting greatly over my character weaknesses and feeling the pull of Satan harder and harder each day. I hate to say it but the last couple of days I have slipped up. I have to remind myself that this is okay, that this is an addiction, not a bad habit, not something I do just because an all out real deal addiction. My brain had gotten so far gone and away from the Spirit that I HAD to feed it the dopamine it so desperately needed. Well I probably didn't really NEED to but I did it anyway. I know this is a no brainer but I had to really sit back last night and evaluate what have I been doing. Well I have NOT been reading my scriptures, I have NOT been studying and working my 12 Step book. I haven't been saying as sincere of prayers. Well okay then let's figure this out, hmmmm....

Last night I attended my group and I have never gone to group where I just honestly couldn't wait to get out of there. I battled with myself all day long about going, because somehow I figured I walk in with this big red A on my chest or something and everyone would know I had slipped up. I love my group and the women there so much that I don't want to slip up I don't want to dissapoint them. There were even a few times in my head I kept thinking oh my gosh hurry up and spit out your words so we can leave. There were about 3 times I almost just left the meeting. I left and cried my entire way home, I didn't reach out, I didn't even try, thanks isolation you won again. As I was driving home I felt this incredible pull to just drive a certain way. I was driving and got off the exit a few exits before my own and started up the hill. I realized as I was driving this was the way to the temple. I literally felt as though someone else were driving my car. I parked at the back of the lot so I could see the temple in full view. There I sat crying and crying, knowing that I just had slipped up again, one too many times, that surely the Lord would say "See you'll never make it back here." Well I did feel that way, I felt all of my character weaknesses wash over me in a great flood but it wasn't from the Lord. It was from that dark figure hanging out with me all day, Satan.

I couldn't shake these feelings of despair. I was even going to make this blog post all about listing out my weaknesses but since I have felt that is not what I need. An amazing woman from group was perceptive enough last night to know that something was up, okay everyone probably knew with as fast as I hightailed it out of there. I was going to just tell her I was fine, that I had a bad day and that was it but as we all know part of this addiction many of us have a tendency to just gloss things over and not be honest. So I was honest. I told her I felt as though I had sinned too many times to be forgiven. I feel like it's fine for those who sin and don't have the gospel but for me who has had the gospel, been forgiven come back to full fellowship and then blew it all again that there was NO WAY I'd be forgiven. I know these are all lies Satan tells us but I couldn't help feel that way.  This sweet sister sent me an amazing video that confirmed, in fact, that all the prophets, leaders and Jesus Christ himself couldn't be wrong. I can be forgiven, I can move on, I can conquer, I can change and I can heal. For me this was the simplicity of inspiration that I so desperately needed. I would love to meet this man someday so he'd know how much his story touched me.

So instead of thinking of and listing all my flaws today I think I will pray and journal about the positive gifts the Lord has chosen to give me. I know today is a new day. I am a fighter in the battle, right on the front lines and we can conquer.


 


03/07/2013 12:25pm

Love this! Way to turn it around. So happy you are feeling better and more positive. I'm going to introduce you to Mark at the next fireside so make sure you are there!

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Mark
03/07/2013 2:05pm

Thank you for honestly sharing both your pain, and your willingness to turn things around again, as you trust in God. We are all in this together, and you have made a difference for the good in my life already!

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03/07/2013 8:29pm

Thank you so much for this courageous post. You are courageous! You are incredible. And thank you for posting that amazing video clip. What an inspiring story.

Love you, sister. We are in this together. Keep on keepin' on!

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03/08/2013 9:00am

Dang Jana, I'm sorry to hear about the rough times. I cracked yesterday myself. I felt so numb. I didn't want to feel anything. I texted the guys from my thurs group and said I had no desire to go. I was 'burned out'. that I don't get enough ME time. but you know what....I went anyway. I just should up. The spirit prompted me to go. (How did the spirit prompt me?? It shouldn't have been around me....but you know what...it prompted me anyway)

No shame. "We win by giving up." Keep surrendering.

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Jana
03/08/2013 9:59am

I was totally prompted to go to group last night too Warrior, my second one this week. I went Wednesday and had such a crappy day and really didn't feel the spirit much so went again to hopefully feel the spirit more and it worked. God is good, He works that way even when we don't always deserve it. :)

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Stacey
03/10/2013 5:06pm

Jana!
Sending you love from across the miles! You will be worthy again! God will never fail us! He is always reaching for us, no matter how feebly we are reaching for Him. (Elder Holland). Love you!

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03/12/2013 3:26pm

I can't leave a comment under the "my story" tab, but I just read it and I want to. I admire you Jana! Can we be friends? I feel an overwhelming sense of emotion over me now, perhaps because your story is so fresh and your journey also so new, and because many aspects of your addiction mirror mine. I am just learning to recognize how much the fantasizing and flirting are part of my addiction. I don't want to give those aspects up yet. With time...I guess.

I am glad to have foun your blog. When I get home onto a real computer I'm going to read everything! :)

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Jana
03/13/2013 11:40am

Seattle-Sorry you can't comment on my story but if you want to talk or anything you can click the contact me page and it will send me a private e-mail that only I view. :) I would love to talk to someone whose addictions mirror my own.

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Bryan
03/14/2013 5:50am

I believe that one of the biggest lies the adversary tries to get us to believe is that we are too far gone for the Atonement to help us. In his fight against the Savior and anything good, tries to minimize the Atonement by making it less than universal, less than eternal, that Christ didn't suffer enough to cover YOUR sins, so you will give up that faith and hope and turn away from God. Sometimes it takes those little reminders that God is still in your life to see past Satan's lies and grasp hold of the Iron Rod once more, even though it's hidden among those mists of darkness.

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03/18/2013 3:31pm

Hi, Jana! I saw a response to my blog earlier today and wanted to thank you for it. Then it disappeared. But thanks! Your comments are always welcome!

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    A humble daughter of God seeking recovery through the atonement and 12 step addiction recovery program.

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