It's been some time since I have put down my thoughts in my blog. I tend to not think about writing when things are going well. I wanted to write today because as you may have guessed it is a rough day today. I have been working with my sponsor doing a 30 in 30 but it has taken me longer than one per day to complete the assignments but I have felt such a great love from our Savior as I work these assignments, prayerfully and thoughtfully. I have gone through some rough personal times emotionally as of late. I have come to terms that I, in fact not only have a sexual/pornography addiction but also a food addiction. This has been hard for me to come to terms with because I just want to believe that I am overweight because I don't work out like I used to, that I've had 3 babies and man that weight is hard to lose. But today as I scarfed down a lunch that was easily my caloric intake for the day it really hit me. I am feeling alone, sad, angry and sick...here I am eating!! I need help with this. I have no idea where to start other than letting the Lord know that this in fact is one more thing out of my control. I think I have always glossed over this addiction because the sexual addiction was far worse and the pains were far more reaching than the food addiction. But this is painful too. It hurts for me to exercise because of my weight, I don't like how I look, or feel. I don't have tons of money to spend on some miracle diet or personal fitness coach and this is so discouraging. I don't really know where to go.
I have discovered how I am still clinging onto co-dependency issues with my one friend. I know she is a good person but I don't feel great around her. I still interact with her about twice per month because of work that I do. It is unavoidable. I recently thought I really needed to quit that work but after 2 months of another job and so much depression and anxiety surrounding that I needed to go back to my direct sales job. Last night we did a training and I felt that I went out of my way to help and do what I could. I did not receive so much as a thank you or even a good bye when I left. This was so hard for me. It hurt. I shouldn't have let it but it did. The one thing she said to me negatively weeks ago is still sounding in my ears every single day. I am hurt, frustrated and sad. I know this is one thing I will have to totally trust the Lord on.
I am grateful I have some avenues to reach out when I am down but this is pretty miserable. On Sunday I went to church and felt the spirit really strong during a particular talk in sacrament meeting. I then had this huge weight of my sins heaped upon me on Sunday night. It all just hit me so hard. I know exactly what Alma the younger was talking about when he was harrowed up in his sins. I just hope that I will be able to feel "that joy as exquisite as my pain" soon. All of this has left me so exhausted but I do have one silver lining....I must be doing what is right because Satan is working on me over-time. He never sleeps or rests and man do I feel it right now. I am exhausted. I know I cannot let him win, it would set me back too far. I just keep hoping and praying to weather out this storm and have the happiness come back again soon.
I have discovered how I am still clinging onto co-dependency issues with my one friend. I know she is a good person but I don't feel great around her. I still interact with her about twice per month because of work that I do. It is unavoidable. I recently thought I really needed to quit that work but after 2 months of another job and so much depression and anxiety surrounding that I needed to go back to my direct sales job. Last night we did a training and I felt that I went out of my way to help and do what I could. I did not receive so much as a thank you or even a good bye when I left. This was so hard for me. It hurt. I shouldn't have let it but it did. The one thing she said to me negatively weeks ago is still sounding in my ears every single day. I am hurt, frustrated and sad. I know this is one thing I will have to totally trust the Lord on.
I am grateful I have some avenues to reach out when I am down but this is pretty miserable. On Sunday I went to church and felt the spirit really strong during a particular talk in sacrament meeting. I then had this huge weight of my sins heaped upon me on Sunday night. It all just hit me so hard. I know exactly what Alma the younger was talking about when he was harrowed up in his sins. I just hope that I will be able to feel "that joy as exquisite as my pain" soon. All of this has left me so exhausted but I do have one silver lining....I must be doing what is right because Satan is working on me over-time. He never sleeps or rests and man do I feel it right now. I am exhausted. I know I cannot let him win, it would set me back too far. I just keep hoping and praying to weather out this storm and have the happiness come back again soon.
