I was thinking today of a few things I have done in my life that have felt awkward and uncomfortable but that have really, in the end, some after much realization, have brought me true strength. I decided to blog about a few.
*Going to my bishop this most recent time. I have had the opportunities to communicate with many bishops over the years, I say that in an unfortunate way since most of the time it was me confessing sins. However most of the time it was after something had ended, kind of a oh by the way I did this but it is over now. When I went to my current bishop about my problems, it started out that way, I went in to say okay I did this but then I kept going to him. At one point I went in and confessed a HUGE chunk of things that were currently going on. I was embarrassed, I think he was embarrassed. It was very sensitive and I tried to hold nothing back. We had to talk about some details and I couldn't look him in the eye. He's a good guy and I figured what I had to say was the worst thing he ever has heard. Well even if it was he didn't say as much. He looked me in the eye, he cried, he told me he still loved me and so did the Lord. He offered prayers in my behalf and has given me strength way beyond my own. He has been inspired multiple times to have me read a talk, a scripture or just share an experience with me that is exactly what I need. If I had never taken the uncomfortable first steps to talk about my problems in real depth I wouldn't have received the sweet experiences I have been blessed with since. Just like Alma says, "his joy was as exquisite as was his pain."
*Opening up to a close friend. I have a close girlfriend, something that doesn't happen for me often. She knew that some things were going on in my life. I had opened up to her. It was awful, it was the hardest thing I have ever done. I felt judged, I felt ashamed that I have even talked to her. She asked me for many details, I shared and shared. I didn't change I kept going on in my addiction. Several more things happened and I didn't feel that I was to open up to her again. When I told her some more had happened and some of the ways I had treated her she had decided to not be my friend right now. She is dealing with many of her own problems but it still hurt. I was angry and hurt for so so long. BUT this uncomfortable situation made me see my codependency issues I had with her. I felt that I had to please her, that she was right about the things she had told me. That I was not going to change. After continuing for months to worry constantly about her and what she thought I finally let it go. I prayed endlessly to the Lord to help and He did. I have to now give her credit for helping me change my life. If it had not been for her brutal and honest conversations with me I would have continued in my addictions even worse. Although she knows very little of a big picture I am grateful that I was able to recognize and work on changing my codependency issues with her.
*Running a 5K being overweight. So this doesn't relate to my addictions but it still is something I did that was very uncomfortable for me. I am overweight. I have a food addiction as well as my sexual/porn addictions. I only now realize this. About 2 years ago I decided to run a 5k. I trained for it and I had never ran a step in my life. I was one of the heavier people there, it was cold and still winter even though it was March. A friend of mine ran with me and let's just say I didn't run the entire thing. I hardly ran any of it. I was sweating and huffing and puffing while other thinner more trained people ran past me. I was so embarrassed to even be there. I kept thinking why in the world did I think I could do this? But I did it. I finished. I was not last, which was a big goal of mine but nearly. What it taught me was that no matter our circumstances we can do hard things, even when they seem easy for someone else, they may not be for us. We have a friend, the Lord and our Savior Jesus Christ, with us every step of the way. We don't have to be to the level of fitness as everyone else we just have to be willing to finish.
*Going to the Couple's Group: My husband and I decided to attend a couple's pornography support group in our area last Saturday night. I had wanted to go for a long time. I had been encouraged by another sister in my regular group to attend. She was there thankfully with her husband but we were the only ones, that I know of, that were the women addicts. I had a hard time sitting in the room with so many sweet sisters pouring out their hearts about their husbands recovery and knowing that I was the addict, I wasn't a supporting wife whose life was innocently damaged. I was the one doing the damage. I sat and I listened and I tried really hard not to cry. My husband shared and I don't think anyone realized that he wasn't the addict. But here is something it taught me. We are all children of a loving Father. We all have room to grow. That these women are wonderful and sweet and are growing in their own struggles. I didn't feel judged. I don't think I would be judged even if many of them knew. I felt unity that we are all there with one purpose. It did feel especially awkward when the missionary talked about the sweet wives and how they grew in supporting their husbands and I thought okay well can we generalize that a bit more...lol. But really I felt compassion toward these women, knowing that in some of my addictions I had hurt, indirectly, women just like them. It brought a lot of humility to my soul and a night of much prayer for the women whose lives I may have affected because of my addictions.
I know that sometimes we are meant to do hard things in order to learn and to grow. If we don't grow form our adversity then there is no point to this life. I am grateful for these and many other uncomfortable situations that helped me to change.
*Going to my bishop this most recent time. I have had the opportunities to communicate with many bishops over the years, I say that in an unfortunate way since most of the time it was me confessing sins. However most of the time it was after something had ended, kind of a oh by the way I did this but it is over now. When I went to my current bishop about my problems, it started out that way, I went in to say okay I did this but then I kept going to him. At one point I went in and confessed a HUGE chunk of things that were currently going on. I was embarrassed, I think he was embarrassed. It was very sensitive and I tried to hold nothing back. We had to talk about some details and I couldn't look him in the eye. He's a good guy and I figured what I had to say was the worst thing he ever has heard. Well even if it was he didn't say as much. He looked me in the eye, he cried, he told me he still loved me and so did the Lord. He offered prayers in my behalf and has given me strength way beyond my own. He has been inspired multiple times to have me read a talk, a scripture or just share an experience with me that is exactly what I need. If I had never taken the uncomfortable first steps to talk about my problems in real depth I wouldn't have received the sweet experiences I have been blessed with since. Just like Alma says, "his joy was as exquisite as was his pain."
*Opening up to a close friend. I have a close girlfriend, something that doesn't happen for me often. She knew that some things were going on in my life. I had opened up to her. It was awful, it was the hardest thing I have ever done. I felt judged, I felt ashamed that I have even talked to her. She asked me for many details, I shared and shared. I didn't change I kept going on in my addiction. Several more things happened and I didn't feel that I was to open up to her again. When I told her some more had happened and some of the ways I had treated her she had decided to not be my friend right now. She is dealing with many of her own problems but it still hurt. I was angry and hurt for so so long. BUT this uncomfortable situation made me see my codependency issues I had with her. I felt that I had to please her, that she was right about the things she had told me. That I was not going to change. After continuing for months to worry constantly about her and what she thought I finally let it go. I prayed endlessly to the Lord to help and He did. I have to now give her credit for helping me change my life. If it had not been for her brutal and honest conversations with me I would have continued in my addictions even worse. Although she knows very little of a big picture I am grateful that I was able to recognize and work on changing my codependency issues with her.
*Running a 5K being overweight. So this doesn't relate to my addictions but it still is something I did that was very uncomfortable for me. I am overweight. I have a food addiction as well as my sexual/porn addictions. I only now realize this. About 2 years ago I decided to run a 5k. I trained for it and I had never ran a step in my life. I was one of the heavier people there, it was cold and still winter even though it was March. A friend of mine ran with me and let's just say I didn't run the entire thing. I hardly ran any of it. I was sweating and huffing and puffing while other thinner more trained people ran past me. I was so embarrassed to even be there. I kept thinking why in the world did I think I could do this? But I did it. I finished. I was not last, which was a big goal of mine but nearly. What it taught me was that no matter our circumstances we can do hard things, even when they seem easy for someone else, they may not be for us. We have a friend, the Lord and our Savior Jesus Christ, with us every step of the way. We don't have to be to the level of fitness as everyone else we just have to be willing to finish.
*Going to the Couple's Group: My husband and I decided to attend a couple's pornography support group in our area last Saturday night. I had wanted to go for a long time. I had been encouraged by another sister in my regular group to attend. She was there thankfully with her husband but we were the only ones, that I know of, that were the women addicts. I had a hard time sitting in the room with so many sweet sisters pouring out their hearts about their husbands recovery and knowing that I was the addict, I wasn't a supporting wife whose life was innocently damaged. I was the one doing the damage. I sat and I listened and I tried really hard not to cry. My husband shared and I don't think anyone realized that he wasn't the addict. But here is something it taught me. We are all children of a loving Father. We all have room to grow. That these women are wonderful and sweet and are growing in their own struggles. I didn't feel judged. I don't think I would be judged even if many of them knew. I felt unity that we are all there with one purpose. It did feel especially awkward when the missionary talked about the sweet wives and how they grew in supporting their husbands and I thought okay well can we generalize that a bit more...lol. But really I felt compassion toward these women, knowing that in some of my addictions I had hurt, indirectly, women just like them. It brought a lot of humility to my soul and a night of much prayer for the women whose lives I may have affected because of my addictions.
I know that sometimes we are meant to do hard things in order to learn and to grow. If we don't grow form our adversity then there is no point to this life. I am grateful for these and many other uncomfortable situations that helped me to change.
