This is my story. This is just how it is. I feel for me full recovery is owning my past but embracing my future. I feel that I cannot hide behind a curtain, a false name or other things that may cause me to not embrace recovery and the atonement in it's complete form. With that being said I share, not lightly, my story of addiction. I welcome any love, support and strength but not negativity. Please respect my story. I invite you to share my site with others who may need to know they are not alone.
I am a woman, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a wife, a mother and a Sex & Porn Addict. I know there is a lot of stigma surrounding women addicts. Sometimes it seems that it is almost acceptable for a man to have a pornography or sex addiction but if you are woman with one you are a slut, or any number of other things. I do not feel that I am those things. I am an addict. My life at times as been completely out of control because of this addiction.
When I was a young child I can recall seeing a pornographic image that had been placed in our mailbox. I didn't say anything to anyone ever! At a very young age I was addicted to masturbation and lust. Although I did not understand it all at that time I recognize it now as the starts of my addictions. I would often think or imagine sexual things and fantasize about acting them out. When I became a teenager I experienced some painful things at home. With my parents near divorce I became addicted to friendships that were not good for me. I thought since I had always been told how mature I was for my age this gave me license to act out in ways that were "older". I began dating and "going out" with boys by age 13. I was exposed to more sexuality and pornography through my relationships with these boys at an impressionable age. I began to think that this was what men and boys liked, a girl who was open with her sexuality and who was "okay" with their viewing of pornography or treating me as an object. So I started acting that way. I lost my virginity at a young age due to this and continued to have patterns of sobriety and then acting out in addictive behaviors for years to come.
As I got older it became easier for me to objectify boys and the men that I dated and came in contact with. I accepted that all men were going to treat me lesser than I deserved and that it was acceptable and okay. I figured if men could do it then hey so can women. I began to have very little self esteem and to build up my self esteem I would manipulate men in ways I thought would give me power and control over them. This made me feel a little better about myself but also allowed me to drive deeper in deeper in cycles of shame, and guilt and addictions. As a teenager I was full on addicted to sex and masturbation. I would fantasize regularly about inappropriate relationships. I often would seek out these relationships as a way to feel more in control.
I managed for years at times to have sobriety. The type of sobriety we would call "white knuckle" sobriety. Years of abstinence would ensue but my addictive behaviors such as flirting, manipulation and fantasizing were always still present. I found that it was easy for me to be "good" at times but my deep rooted thoughts were not changing. I thought for sure when I got married my desires for masturbation, porn and acting out sexually would go away, but it didn't. I am happy to say that I am married to an amazing man who understands the Atonement fully, who has stood by my side through so many difficult times. My addictions nearly destroyed my marriage on more than one occasion. Seven years into my marriage I again began viewing pornography almost daily, at first telling myself I was trying to "spice up" my marriage. It quickly became a way of living for me. I couldn't function without pornography in my life. As a result I engaged in many extra-martial relationships over the years, some online, just talking, chatting in appropriately and some physical.
I hit my rock bottom Summer of 2012. I began to act out all my fantasies I had been harboring for years. Viewing pornography, masturbation and acting out sexually became my life. It was all I could do and focus on. My marriage, my jobs, my hobbies and even my own children became a burden all second to my addictions. My life was literally out of my control. I felt as though I was possessed by another spirit at times. I was no longer myself I was my addiction.
I knew that I could no longer live this type of life. I broke, almost literally. I entered into 12 Step Recovery Program through the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I began going to therapy. I confessed and poured out my whole soul to my husband and bishop. I had to change. I began to change through this program and the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I know that there is recovery for anyone who is struggling with addictions but only through the Atonement is there possible recovery AND healing. I testify of Jesus Christ's diving power to make us whole.
I know that much of my story is intimate and I don't share it lightly. What I do feel is important is for women to know that this can affect them to. Pornography and Sexual Addiction is not reserved for men. It is a human problem. Satan will use anything he can to destroy us. Know if you are new to recovery and struggling you are not alone. If you think you have committed the worst of the worst sins out there, you are not alone. If you think there is no redemption you are not alone. There is hope, there is recovery and there is healing. I am glad you are here.
Love,
Jana
If you'd like to read more of my story check out my interview through By The Light of Grace here!
I am a woman, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a wife, a mother and a Sex & Porn Addict. I know there is a lot of stigma surrounding women addicts. Sometimes it seems that it is almost acceptable for a man to have a pornography or sex addiction but if you are woman with one you are a slut, or any number of other things. I do not feel that I am those things. I am an addict. My life at times as been completely out of control because of this addiction.
When I was a young child I can recall seeing a pornographic image that had been placed in our mailbox. I didn't say anything to anyone ever! At a very young age I was addicted to masturbation and lust. Although I did not understand it all at that time I recognize it now as the starts of my addictions. I would often think or imagine sexual things and fantasize about acting them out. When I became a teenager I experienced some painful things at home. With my parents near divorce I became addicted to friendships that were not good for me. I thought since I had always been told how mature I was for my age this gave me license to act out in ways that were "older". I began dating and "going out" with boys by age 13. I was exposed to more sexuality and pornography through my relationships with these boys at an impressionable age. I began to think that this was what men and boys liked, a girl who was open with her sexuality and who was "okay" with their viewing of pornography or treating me as an object. So I started acting that way. I lost my virginity at a young age due to this and continued to have patterns of sobriety and then acting out in addictive behaviors for years to come.
As I got older it became easier for me to objectify boys and the men that I dated and came in contact with. I accepted that all men were going to treat me lesser than I deserved and that it was acceptable and okay. I figured if men could do it then hey so can women. I began to have very little self esteem and to build up my self esteem I would manipulate men in ways I thought would give me power and control over them. This made me feel a little better about myself but also allowed me to drive deeper in deeper in cycles of shame, and guilt and addictions. As a teenager I was full on addicted to sex and masturbation. I would fantasize regularly about inappropriate relationships. I often would seek out these relationships as a way to feel more in control.
I managed for years at times to have sobriety. The type of sobriety we would call "white knuckle" sobriety. Years of abstinence would ensue but my addictive behaviors such as flirting, manipulation and fantasizing were always still present. I found that it was easy for me to be "good" at times but my deep rooted thoughts were not changing. I thought for sure when I got married my desires for masturbation, porn and acting out sexually would go away, but it didn't. I am happy to say that I am married to an amazing man who understands the Atonement fully, who has stood by my side through so many difficult times. My addictions nearly destroyed my marriage on more than one occasion. Seven years into my marriage I again began viewing pornography almost daily, at first telling myself I was trying to "spice up" my marriage. It quickly became a way of living for me. I couldn't function without pornography in my life. As a result I engaged in many extra-martial relationships over the years, some online, just talking, chatting in appropriately and some physical.
I hit my rock bottom Summer of 2012. I began to act out all my fantasies I had been harboring for years. Viewing pornography, masturbation and acting out sexually became my life. It was all I could do and focus on. My marriage, my jobs, my hobbies and even my own children became a burden all second to my addictions. My life was literally out of my control. I felt as though I was possessed by another spirit at times. I was no longer myself I was my addiction.
I knew that I could no longer live this type of life. I broke, almost literally. I entered into 12 Step Recovery Program through the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I began going to therapy. I confessed and poured out my whole soul to my husband and bishop. I had to change. I began to change through this program and the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I know that there is recovery for anyone who is struggling with addictions but only through the Atonement is there possible recovery AND healing. I testify of Jesus Christ's diving power to make us whole.
I know that much of my story is intimate and I don't share it lightly. What I do feel is important is for women to know that this can affect them to. Pornography and Sexual Addiction is not reserved for men. It is a human problem. Satan will use anything he can to destroy us. Know if you are new to recovery and struggling you are not alone. If you think you have committed the worst of the worst sins out there, you are not alone. If you think there is no redemption you are not alone. There is hope, there is recovery and there is healing. I am glad you are here.
Love,
Jana
If you'd like to read more of my story check out my interview through By The Light of Grace here!