I don't know if anyone else experiences this with recovery. I am learning, slowly, to trust I mean really really trust the Lord. Not just 'in him" but "trust him." One of the greatest steps (although I'm not there yet) to me is Step 11: "Seek through Prayer and meditation to know the Lord's will and to have the power to carry it out." I think the first step in this is really Step 3: "Decide to turn your will and your life over to the care of God the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ." These are both super scarey steps to me. In step 3 the decision to do it wasn't too hard, you simply just decide right? I can do that! But it's the power to carry it out in Step 11 that has me a little freaked out this week.
I have struggled with what to do, where I am going, yada yada that sort of thing. In the last few weeks the Lord has told me through prayer, through feelings, through conference talks and other resources some things to do. I am scared. I admit it. But I also admit that fear is a tool of the adversary. He doesn't want me to progress and move forward, he doesn't want me to do the things that would actually bring hope and healing to myself and others.
I am such a rambler when I post that I hope this is making sense. I guess let me start by saying months ago the Lord whispered to me it was time for me to spend more time with my family. Okay I thought that I can do. Then He said that means giving up some things, sure okay no problem right? Well He failed to mention that would mean giving up my source of income. For the last 4 years I have been involved in direct sales, something I never thought I'd do but I am good at it, I bring in an extra $800 to $1000 a month, I'm helping us get out of debt, hoping to buy a home etc etc. Wait, what? I should quit this, I should give this up...huh? Well it wasn't until last week that it really hit me why. It isn't because it's bad, it isn't because we don't need the money it is because it is allowing me to hang onto my addictions, just a little. You see I work outside of my home a few nights a week and deep into my addictions I would often use this job as an excuse. Excuse to not be at home, where I felt I didn't belong, that my husband really couldn't possibly want to be with me. An excuse to meet up with other people who didn't always have my best interest at heart. An excuse to act out because hey I'm already out anyway, or out of town where no one can tell what I am doing. Ah okay this is making more sense to me now Lord. SO I said okay I will give it up. Now I haven't entirely quit yet but I am working on it. It is so hard for me to just leap and know the Lord is going to take care of it. But I have stepped way down, it means a half cut in pay about, dreams of purchasing a home are being pushed back even further and yet I know it's the right thing to do. As soon as I told my director of my decision a HUGE wave a relief washed over me. Yeah I think that means something.
Next up comes the Lord telling me okay it's time for you to go back to school....UM okay but how can I afford it and didn't you just say I needed to spend more time with my family? Yes He said, and this is how I want you to do it. I worked for over 10 years as a Medical Assistant, I have missed it immensely. I have always dreamed of going back and getting my RN. Well it's time says the Lord. So now I am looking into nursing school. I have a long road ahead of me but I know it'll be worth it. I have always been told by the Lord, by family, by my patriarchal blessing and by a palmist (okay you can laugh a little at that) that I have the gift of healing. The palmist says I have the healers stigmata all over my hands...LOL! I know this next couple of years will be tough financially, emotionally and probably physically but I finally feel that I am doing a bit of steps 3 and 11, carrying out the Lord's will. I know he will bless me and my family and others as I follow His plan for me and go down this path. I know I will make friendships in recovery and school that will last through eternity. So with all of this and these feelings of anxiety, but peace it leads me to just trust, just simply let it be, believe Him and say okay Lord you got this!!!
I have struggled with what to do, where I am going, yada yada that sort of thing. In the last few weeks the Lord has told me through prayer, through feelings, through conference talks and other resources some things to do. I am scared. I admit it. But I also admit that fear is a tool of the adversary. He doesn't want me to progress and move forward, he doesn't want me to do the things that would actually bring hope and healing to myself and others.
I am such a rambler when I post that I hope this is making sense. I guess let me start by saying months ago the Lord whispered to me it was time for me to spend more time with my family. Okay I thought that I can do. Then He said that means giving up some things, sure okay no problem right? Well He failed to mention that would mean giving up my source of income. For the last 4 years I have been involved in direct sales, something I never thought I'd do but I am good at it, I bring in an extra $800 to $1000 a month, I'm helping us get out of debt, hoping to buy a home etc etc. Wait, what? I should quit this, I should give this up...huh? Well it wasn't until last week that it really hit me why. It isn't because it's bad, it isn't because we don't need the money it is because it is allowing me to hang onto my addictions, just a little. You see I work outside of my home a few nights a week and deep into my addictions I would often use this job as an excuse. Excuse to not be at home, where I felt I didn't belong, that my husband really couldn't possibly want to be with me. An excuse to meet up with other people who didn't always have my best interest at heart. An excuse to act out because hey I'm already out anyway, or out of town where no one can tell what I am doing. Ah okay this is making more sense to me now Lord. SO I said okay I will give it up. Now I haven't entirely quit yet but I am working on it. It is so hard for me to just leap and know the Lord is going to take care of it. But I have stepped way down, it means a half cut in pay about, dreams of purchasing a home are being pushed back even further and yet I know it's the right thing to do. As soon as I told my director of my decision a HUGE wave a relief washed over me. Yeah I think that means something.
Next up comes the Lord telling me okay it's time for you to go back to school....UM okay but how can I afford it and didn't you just say I needed to spend more time with my family? Yes He said, and this is how I want you to do it. I worked for over 10 years as a Medical Assistant, I have missed it immensely. I have always dreamed of going back and getting my RN. Well it's time says the Lord. So now I am looking into nursing school. I have a long road ahead of me but I know it'll be worth it. I have always been told by the Lord, by family, by my patriarchal blessing and by a palmist (okay you can laugh a little at that) that I have the gift of healing. The palmist says I have the healers stigmata all over my hands...LOL! I know this next couple of years will be tough financially, emotionally and probably physically but I finally feel that I am doing a bit of steps 3 and 11, carrying out the Lord's will. I know he will bless me and my family and others as I follow His plan for me and go down this path. I know I will make friendships in recovery and school that will last through eternity. So with all of this and these feelings of anxiety, but peace it leads me to just trust, just simply let it be, believe Him and say okay Lord you got this!!!
